11. Your hips, once thought to be strong and mighty, have turned into huge sissies. They start to ache just because you're lying on them. Really, hips? Really? I have been fortifying you for years with delicious carbs just to have you crap out on me now? I know that physiologically speaking they're aching because of a perfect storm of hormones that are loosening their joints, the sudden presence of a bowling ball-sized belly to support all day, and probably some less-than-perfectly-aligned sleeping positions at night. But I thought we were above all that.
11b. Your husband tells you that while he loves you and is super proud of the extra load you're carrying, he might start sleeping on the couch because, quite frankly, it's hard to get a good night's sleep when one's bed buddy is rolling around every hour, and not as quietly as she'd like to think.
11c. While feeling badly that It Has Come to This.... you can see the silver lining. I'm thinking bedside snacking, something I would never do next to sleeping hubby.
12. The baby can now reach your ribs and deliver super strong pummels to your bladder. Sometimes simultaneously. This prompts you to calmly remind your precious angel that Mommy Is Not a Jungle Gym and consider entering "Mommy's bladder" in the baby book where it asks what baby's first toy was.
13. There are lots of holiday goodies around and you want... ants on a log? Seriously? ...Did we mention how important fiber is at this point?
14. Is it really that important that you get the same exact brand of prenatal vitamins/toilet paper/curtains that you had before, even if it means searching every store in town (and, in South Dakota, several surrounding towns)? YES. HOW IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION. DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS WORKS YET?
15. TMI filter not withstanding, you do not feel that casual acquaintances should need to seek revenge by telling you their personal birthing stories. Ever. Unless you ask. And don't.
15b. "Are you going to have an epidural?" has apparently become polite cocktail conversation. And checkout line conversation. And gas pump conversation. New t-shirt idea: "Due March 11. Boy. No name picked yet. How he's getting out is between me, my OB, and the Lord."
16. Your husband knows the baby will be coming into the world sometime soon. He has a general knowledge of how that's going to happen. And that's all he wants to know. He will "listen" supportively when you confide your labor and delivery fears, and he'll be there with you the whole time, but he's secretly wishing he could also get an epidural and just pass out in a chair until everything has been cleaned, stitched, covered, and generally de-goo'd. Want to see something funny? Ask if he'd like to cut the cord.
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